Why am I Obsessed with Someone I Barely Know?

A psychologist’s perspective on fantasy, avoidance, and emotional memory

This is more common than we admit — and it’s rarely talked about

It’s embarrassing, confusing, and rarely discussed: being obsessed with someone we barely know, or someone we don’t know at all. For some of us, it happens once or twice. But some of us go through this pattern our whole lives, going from one infatuation to the next.

I know the problem both from a professional and a personal level – although admittedly it’s been a while for the latter. I’m convinced it is a common issue, and the extent to which it is not talked about, studied or discussed never ceases to amaze me. It’s a blind spot of psychology, like shame : both are common, both wreak havoc on countless lives, and they are linked (we don’t talk about them, because we are, well, ashamed of experiencing them).

When we are in the middle of an obsessive episode about someone we don’t know, a part of us feels in love, and another part of us thinks we are being strange. Where I stand now, with my level of knowledge and experience, I see it as neither love, nor something strange. I see it as a symptom of something deeper.

Why does it feel so strange to be obsessed with someone we barely know?

Well, the answer is in the question, isn’t it ? How can we dream endlessly about someone, if we have no idea who this person actually is ? We have all these little films running in our heads, but the main character is not the real flesh and blood person – that we actually don’t know.

I’m not saying falling in love is a disease. I’m saying we can be attracted to someone we don’t know, but we can’t really love a stranger. What we do when we have strong feelings for people we don’t know is imagine how they are from an image and a few cues, and fill in the rest with our fantasies. No sanity checks about who they are, their interest in us, their availability, their mental health, or their potential for violence. Chances are, we are setting ourselves up for painful months or even years.

And so, the question remains : why am I obsessed with someone I barely know, then ?

Explanation #1: The “urge to merge” — when we fall in love with a version of ourselves

I came across this idea in Martha Beck’s books, mainly “Finding your own North Star”. According to her, we all have a real “Me”, with a purpose that will follow us our whole life.

Unfortunately, we get derailed by the expectations of people around us, wether our parents, peers, or society in general. So we lose track of both who we really are, and what we really want to do with our lives. But the longing is still in us, deep down, and it is still talking.

An obsession with someone we don’t really know is our real self talking and identifying what it wants to do or be, in another person. Let’s assume, for example, that you are obsessed with an artist without really knowing him or her. Then according to Martha, the obsession can be about your inner artist, who went into hiding when you became an accountant.

What you really want, deep down, is to move closer to arts in general, and if possible create art yourself. Since you have internalized your environment’s disapproval, you’ve buried your desires, but your urge to merge is an attempt of your real self to move towards it.I chose an artistic career as an example, but the attraction can be about something else entirely: emotional maturity, charisma, intelligence, ability to make money, whatever.

Does this explanation ring a bell ? If it does, I encourage you to read Martha Beck’s book to self reflect. It may help you to solve this particular obsessive issue, or more generally to find your purpose if you need to.

As for me, it makes some sense. At least a couple of times I’ve seen this played out purely for this reason. But for deeper obsessions, the one making people truly miserable, there was more to it.

One thing is absolutely true for me in what Martha Beck wrote: when an obsession like this hits, don’t jump to the conclusion that it is about passionate love; the feeling can disappear as fast as it appeared, and we are left wondering what the heck happened to us.

Explanation #2: Romantic obsession as a way to escape a painful reality

I have now a huge advantage: hindsight. If I look back on my own life, I can see that each episode of obsessive infatuation took place while I was really unhappy or scared.At the time, I saw no relation between my problems and my obsession. Still today, I can’t really feel the connection between the two, but I know it is there. It was there each time.

I think I used these obsessions as any other addiction: as a way to escape reality when it was too difficult to face. And I’m definitely not the only one: using obsessive love about someone we don’t really know seems to be a common way of avoiding reality, disguised as a love story – it’s more pleasant and more acceptable. It’s a culturally approved way of obsessing.

We use it to cope with a difficult reality and stay hopeful with a rosy dreamed future. It’s less damaging than a chemical addiction, but taken too far, it prevents us from living our real life, and addressing our problems. That’s the stuff maladaptive daydreaming is about. That’s a form of dissociation.

While our mind is captured, almost locked, in our obsession, we almost don’t see our real life. Of course, we understand what is happening to us, but our focus, our energy, our emotions, are elsewhere: in our dreams.In a way, what happens in our normal life is not so important; what is important is our fantasy. Between a delicious fantasy, and a bland or painful reality, well we chose the fantasy. It’s understandable, especially if we have started to do this very young when we did not have real power over our life, and it wasn’t going well.

But as adults, we have more power. By choosing to live in a fantasy, we are avoiding our reality, and we are not working at improving it. We leave reality when it does not suit us because a part of us believes we don’t have what it takes to improve things.

So look closely: when did your obsession start  ? Were you feeling scared or saddened by something else in your life at the time ? Did you feel your life was unsatisfying, or empty ? Can you take a bit of your obsessing energy and try to face your emotions or address an issue and see how your obsession goes ?

Explanation #3: The healing fantasy — “if this person loves me, I’ll finally be okay”

It’s easy to spot a healing fantasy: we are feeling bad, but we believe that if a specific thing happens, we will be finally be happy and satisfied.A healing fantasy can take different forms: professional success, being thin, having a child or having this special someone we don’t really know loving us.

There is nothing wrong with wanting any of these things. The problem comes when a part of us is convinced it will solve all our problems, it will make us whole, it will repair all our injuries forever.

I’m sorry to say this, really, but it won’t. A part of us knows this, to be honest. Let’s call it the adult self. But another, younger part of us clings to this healing fantasy, particularly if we have been through a difficult time as children. 

This very young and distressed part of us is called an exile in the IFS (Internal Family System Therapy). An exile is a part of us who has been traumatized and has not been  emotionally supported at the time of the trauma. This part of us goes into hiding and stays stuck in childhood, while another part of us goes on and becomes an adult.

This exile, or inner child, is scanning our life and environment . Because this child is immature, it cannot read our current reality accurately. So it can go into a panic while our adult self does not feel threatened or depressed, and grab another person as a form of hope for an intervention to protect and save us.

Let’s say, for example, that our important relationships when we were a kid (parents, siblings, or classmates) conveyed the feeling we were unwanted, bizarre, or stupid. Even grown up, and even with a ton of impressive achievements, a part of us still carries this belief. It’s a painful life to live : never satisfied with what we do or who we are. Always something wrong. Deep down, we carry this belief that no one can love the damaged person we are.

And then comes this great person: intelligent, strong, loving, funny. They are so cool. Suddenly we know : if they do love and understand us, then we will be ok. All our fears and problems will disappear. We will know we are ok. The world will know we are ok.

Do you know this wise saying that states that if you are unhappy without a relationship, you will be unhappy within one? I agree: I lived that. To heal, we need to rewire our brains: a relationship can help, but it’s not a magic wand: we still need to do the work on ourselves.

Even if we get these people to take on the daunting task of solving all our problems, they are not able to. They cannot heal someone from the outside. Besides, other people are not on earth to heal us: they have their own lives and own growth to attend to.

Explanation #4: Re-enacting an old wound (and why this idea is often misunderstood)

A re-enactment is us unconsciously trying to recreate childhood experiences with new people. As the theory goes, we are trying to find a happy ending – this time.But since we are targeting people who have similar issues than traumatizing people in our past, well, it usually ends the same way : badly.

This interpretation attempts to explain why people who have been raised in alcoholic or abusive environments tend to find partners who are themselves alcoholic or violent. We swear we will not end up like our parents, and one day we realize our relationships have the same dynamics. Ouch.

This re-enactment theory is old, if I’m not mistaken it was already in the psychoanalysis literature at the beginning of the 20th century.

I don’t like it. I find it both harsh and simplistic. In my view, we do not enter this re-enactment because a somewhat limited part of us believes naively that this time it will go well and everything will get sorted with a proxy. We do enter it because a very wise part is using it as a form of memory, so that we can understand and integrate what happened to us. It’s called a trailhead in IFS : follow the trail, if possible with skilled help, and it will lead you to heal your injuries.

To give a personal example, if I had not been involved with a narcissistic partner as an adult,I would not have understood one of my parents was one. And I needed this piece of knowledge, and the related experience, to heal. It was a very, very powerful realization, the kind that reorganized completely my beliefs about myself and relationships.

Did I need a narcissist in my life ? Absolutely not. Nothing was healed directly by this relationship, on the contrary. But I understood and remembered the dynamics, the craziness and the damages it created during my childhood. Since I’ve done this work, I see narscissits as they are: unpleasant and unable to have a real relationship with anyone. Mostly, I don’t even see them.

So how do we stop obsessing about someone we don’t really know ?

The answer depends on what this obsession is doing for you

Well it depends on what your situation is, really. Are you in the grips of an urge to merge ? Are you using the obsession to avoid reality ? Mesmerized by a healing fantasy ? In the middle of a re-enactment (or rather faced with a trailhead) ? Or is it another situation, because I do not pretend to know the whole truth about yourself ?

What we have to do if we are using someone to embody our dreams or avoid reality is simple, in the end :

• Understand what we really want out of our lives and attempt to get it 
• Understand what really scares or depresses us and attempt to solve the problem in our lives

What we have to do if we believe we are in the throes of a healing fantasy or a re-enactment is :

• Really get that what was happening was not about the present, but about our past.
• And understand nobody can save us from our past. But we can.

It can take years. (I said simple, not easy…)

If there is one thing to remember…

If there is one thing you should take away from this post, it has to be this one : keep shame away from you. There is nothing to be ashamed about: your obsession is a symptom, or a memory, not a proof that you are not fit for life or crazy. And if you understand and use it that way, it can help your growth tremendously.

Relevant Posts

• Is it Love or Limerence?: Learn how to distinguish between a healthy connection and the addictive cycle of romantic obsession.
• Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: Understand how our healing fantasy was born
• Why Am I Lost in My Thoughts?: Explore the mechanics of rumination and why your mind chooses to live in a fantasy world rather than the present.

Scientific Resources

• On Lived Experience: Wlodarski, R. (2023). Exploring the lived-experience of limerence: a journey toward authenticity. The Qualitative Report.
• Scoping Review: Bradbury, P., Short, E., & Bleakley, P. (2024). Limerence, Hidden Obsession, Fixation, and Rumination: A Scoping Review of Human Behaviour. Human Behaviour and Emerging Technologies.
• The Foundation: Tennov, D. (1979). Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. Stein and Day.

Books & Resources

• Internal Family Systems: No Bad Parts by Dr. Richard Schwartz. Helps you following the trailheads that will lead you to your real self.
• Finding ourPath: The Way of Integrity and Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck, in case the issue is a life devoid of pleasure and purpose.
• Possible origins of obsession: Children of Emotionnally Immature Parents, by Dr; Lindsay Gibson, and the great best seller The Body Keeps the Score, by Dr Bessel Van der Kolk.