I read about boundaries for the first time decades ago in Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More. It was one of those “aha” moments: I suddenly saw the elephant in the room of my own life—the one I’d been walking around for years without noticing.
I implemented her advice immediately. Back then, I understood setting a boundary as simply saying “No.” I hit a patch that resembled the terrible twos, screaming NO like a defiant toddler at everything. I suspect many of us boundary-challenged people go through this phase; it’s embarrassing, but it’s a necessary rite of passage. We have to learn how to say the word before we can learn how to use it with both nuance and weight.
Later, as a psychologist, I’ve learned that the reason so many boundaries fail—the reason you find yourself nagging about the same issue for the tenth time without anything changing—isn’t because you chose the wrong words.
It’s because words aren’t boundaries.
At a Glance: Why Our Boundaries Aren’t Working
- The Symptom: We set a limit, our partner agrees, but nothing changes. We end up nagging, sulking, or doing the work ourselves (resentfully).
- The Hidden Mechanism: In Internal Family Systems (IFS) terms, our Caretaker Part is colluding with our partner’s Entitled Part. A part of us cannot bear to let our partner face the consequences of their choices.
- The Trap: If we “save the day” after saying we won’t, we are training them to ignore our words.
- The Solution: The U-Turn. Moving from trying to control their choice to managing our own behavior and allowing the inevitable mess to happen.
The Anatomy of a Failed Boundary: Clara and Marc
Let me tell you a little real story about my friends Clara and Marc (not their real names). Clara really loved Marc’s social energy, but she hated it when he sometimes invited people over for dinner on a busy weekday.
For Marc, it was “just a barbecue, not a big deal.” For Clara, it was a marathon of grocery shopping, cooking, and childcare after a full day at her job. It wasn’t that Marc did nothing; he usually did the easiest third—the visible, fun parts—but he didn’t feel responsible for the whole evening. (If you are reading this, I’m certain you recognize the move: cherry-picking the easy tasks while pretending it’s a huge part of the work).
Clara tried the standard psychological advice. She used her words. She used “I” statements. She explained her stress. She presented alternatives: Why not the weekend? Why not a restaurant? Marc would agree, but then after a while, he’d do it again.
Why? Because a part of Marc knew that no matter what Clara said, a nice dinner would eventually be served and a bathed child would be in bed with a story. He could even allow himself to not realize how much work was involved—hence his “not a big deal” statement. He preferred to endure a bit of Clara’s resentment if it meant enjoying his friends while she saved the evening.
The Internal Collusion: Caretaker vs. Entitled
In You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For, Richard Schwartz (founder of IFS) explains that relationship patterns stick because our internal “parts” are dancing together, often without our awareness.
Clara had a Caretaker Part. Its job was to feel responsible for everything: the clean house, the good food, the nice evening. Marc had an Entitled Part. It wasn’t malicious; it was just efficient. It knew Marc didn’t have to take care of everything because Clara would inevitably fill the gaps.
By saving him from the consequences of his invitation, Clara was effectively teaching him that his choice had no cost. Words are not boundaries; behaviors are. Our partners (and everyone else, really) respond to our behavior, not our talk.
The “U-Turn”: Let the Mess Unfold
Clara finally realized she couldn’t fix Marc or get them to see the light. She had to negotiate with her own Caretaker part instead. She made a U-Turn, set a behavioral limit, and explained it very, very clearly:
“You are free to invite someone. However, I will not shop, cook, or clean. I will take care of our son, so you are free to do it all.”
Marc agreed—partly because of his not a big deal narrative, and partly because he assumed she would step in if needed.
She didn’t. She didn’t nag, remind him, or take over. She stayed in her “Self,” holding her ground while her Caretaker part stayed busy mothering their child. That night, dinner was served at 10:30 PM. The evening proved to be embarrassingly late and exhausting for Marc. For the first time, he faced reality instead of the “not a big deal” illusion enabled by Clara’s caretaking.
Twenty years later, he has never, not once, invited a guest over on a weekday.
Who Remembers the 10:30 PM Dinner?
Years later, this episode is still vivid in Clara’s memory. For her, it was an odyssey—the moment she moved from feeling like a victim to feeling effectual. She expected that one day Marc would acknowledge she was right all along.
But when she brought it up, Marc remembered nothing. The nagging, the talks, that specific late dinner—it had all disappeared. He wondered why she was bringing up a detail from decades ago.
This is the hard truth: Entitled parts are not interested in who is right. They are interested in what works. Marc’s part simply internalized that weekday invitations “didn’t work out well,” and moved on.
As the saying goes, sometimes we have to choose between being right and being happy. Clara had to let go of the “I told you so” and settle for the result: a life where she wasn’t running around like a maniac on Tuesday nights.
Is Your Caretaker Part Running the Show?
If you feel your boundaries are falling flat, ask yourself these three questions:
- Am I shielding my partner from the natural consequences of their choices? (e.g., If I don’t do the laundry they forgot, will they actually have no clothes for work tomorrow?)
- What is my Caretaker Part afraid will happen if I let things get “messy” or “embarrassing”?
- Am I using words to hide the fact that I’m not yet willing to change my own behavior?
The Path Forward
The first time we hold a behavioral boundary, it is difficult. Trust me, I know. Our partners, children, or whoever may try to shame or bully us back into our Caretaker role.
But if we persevere, the system learns. Eventually, you won’t need the 10:30 PM dinner. A simple, subtle comment will signal your limit before the issue even arises. People will begin to weigh the consequences of their choices because they no longer assume you will absorb the cost.
We don’t need to change our partners. We need to come home to ourselves.
Further Reading & Resources
Books :
- Melody Beattie, Codependent No More (1986). The foundational text for understanding how we lose ourselves in others’ needs.
- Richard Schwartz, Ph.D., You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For (2008). A deep dive into IFS and how our internal “parts” interact in intimate relationships.
- Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace (2021). A practical, clinical guide for the modern “Internalizer.”
Related Reflections from the Blog
